Carrying Your Cross

I recently read a blog post entitled, “Your Vocation is Not About You” by Benjamin Mann.  This was an excellent article about how one’s vocation, whether it be marriage, a career, or even the consecrated life, will not serve the purpose of solving our problems, filling our innermost desires, or providing everlasting happiness.  A vocation instead should serve the purpose of allowing us to empty ourselves in order to let Christ into our lives. 

            This article stirred up lots of thoughts and emotions for me.  This may be because I have recently changed careers.  About five years ago I decided to leave my job in finance to pursue a career as a nurse.  This is about as dramatic of a career change as one can make.  I took a 180 degree turn from crunching numbers behind a cubicle to helping sick patients back to health in the ICU. 

            Nursing can be such a fulfilling career but at the same time it can be extremely humbling.  Nursing is often rated one of the most respected careers and at the same time the profession is often belittled by television shows such as Grey’s Anatomy.  Mainstream entertainment sources often depict nurses as under educated women who just assist doctors.  This could not be farther from the truth.  Nurses are often very well educated and a lot of times are not women (myself included).  Nurses work long hours, often working weekend, night, and holiday shifts.  We are exposed to other people’s bodily fluids and in some cases, as recently made public in the media, are exposed to deadly viruses such as Ebola.  We see life and death and how thin the line between the two often is. 

            One of the toughest things for me as nurse has been dealing with the family members of patients.  As you can imagine having a loved one in the hospital can be stressful and scary.  Sometimes people manifest their stress on the nurses.  On one particular occasional I remember after having worked hard all day to care for a patient in the ICU I had a family member criticize everything I did.  This was so hard for me because as a nurse your job is to comfort the family as well.  As much as I felt like shouting back all I could do is listen and try to explain things a little better.  This was not easy but at the same time it was humbling. 

Maybe this is what is meant by emptying yourself.  I know that I did everything right for this patient.  I know I worked as hard as I could to care for this patient and in the end I was not thanked but criticized.  Jesus experienced the same thing to a much greater degree in his life.  Maybe this is what is meant by carrying our own crosses.

            On the other end of the spectrum nursing can be such a fulfilling job.  I’ve seen people survive horrific accidents and make incredible recoveries.  I’ve seen new life come into this world.  Parents have expressed how thankful they were to me in caring for their child who was sick.  In these moments it’s hard not to see God’s goodness.  Even the most adamant atheist would have a hard time not acknowledging a greater power in these moments. 

            I am so blessed to be able to have such a great vocation.  A vocation that allows me to grow closer to God if I let it.  What is your vocation?  Does it allow you to take up your own crosses?  If so then be thankful and if not then remember it’s never too late to discern your own vocation.

            

            

The struggles of dating

This is not something I have blogged about before.  I don’t by any means consider myself an expert in this field.  I used to read blog posts about this topic, specifically Christian blogs but I became so fed up with the advice they were offering that I figured it was better to just stop reading.  I don’t think anyone out there has the secrets to dating successfully.  Of course I think people can offer wise advice but I don’t think dating is as simple as following a recipe.  And I think that is because everyone’s experience is different. 

I chose to write this blog after a tough dating experience.  Now at the risk of sounding too much like Taylor Swift I’m not going to get too personal or start naming names.  And by no means do I have anything bad to say about this person. 

We were on our third date.  We had gone out for ice cream.  I admit so far I had a great time on our first two dates and had come to like this girl more and more since I had gotten to know her.  Now one of the things that I liked so much about this girl is that she took her faith seriously.  I knew she was Christian but she was not Catholic like myself.  However, I didn’t see that as an obstacle since we were both Christian.  So after enjoying our ice cream we took a walk and started talking. 

After talking about everything from family to movies to our jobs there was a short pause, she then turned to me and asked, “So have you always been Catholic?”  “Oh no, here it comes.”  I thought.  And then I thought, “Should I sugar coat this and try not to make a big deal of it so we don’t have to argue about our differences in theology for the rest of the night?  Is she going to ask me if I worship Mary and statues?  Am I going to have to clear up all the misperceptions of the Catholic faith?  And then I thought, “just be honest.”  So I told her my story of faith and how I had been raised Catholic but had drifted away from the church for a while only to come back into a stronger relationship with God.  I only hope I had not come off sounding too righteous or too arrogant.

 After I was finished she talked about her faith and her relationship with God.  We discussed some of our differences in theology and beliefs.  In the end she had told me she didn’t want to date because of our differences in faith.  Clearly I was not on the same page.  So we had a few differences in theology?  I didn’t see that as an obstacle but apparently she did.  “I don’t get it”, I thought to myself.  In my shallow and selfish thoughts I said to God “Why are you doing this to me?” 

  Let’s admit it.  Rejection sucks.  Plain and simple no one likes to be rejected, especially me.  I have always had a hard time with it but something that has helped me tremendously over the years is my faith.  As I have grown deeper in my faith I have come to truly believe that God will never reject me.  I can more freely be the person I am without having the complete fear of being rejected because I know that God loves me for who I am.  And isn’t that the point of dating?  To find someone who truly loves you for the person you are. 

There is a deep need in every human being to be loved.  We all want to find someone who we can love and who will show us that same love back.  I think many young adults start feeling anxiety when they reach a certain age and have not yet found someone to spend the rest of their lives with.  I can especially relate to this.  When I start to get overwhelmed with these feelings I try turning towards God.  I know deep down inside that turning towards God is the only way to fill the emptiness that may be lingering in the moment.  When I go to confession the priest always says to me at the end of our session, “God has a plan for you that is bigger than you can imagine.”  And as simple and cliché as that sounds there is so much truth in it.  I don’t know what God’s plan for me is and I don’t know if he even wants me to get married.  But until I figure it out all I can do is try to live the kind of life that God wants me to live. 

So as promised I have no magical three steps to guarantee successful dating.  You’ll have to go to the latest issue of Cosmopolitan or GQ for that.  When your date doesn’t work out like you had hoped, try praying for that person.  That one’s not easy.  Trust me!  But most of all try focusing on what’s important.  Try to be the person God wants you to be.  Pray more, give more, love more and try to be the best possible version of yourself that you can be.

Finding God at 3 a.m.

For the last month and a half I have had to work the night shift.  I am glad to say that I only have two weeks left until I will be switching back to working during the day.  Working the night shift has not been easy.  Some people love the night shift and I greatly admire them for it.  I’m not going to lie.  It does have its perks especially when you work in a hospital.  For example the pace is slower most nights versus days.  And because of that you have time to actually talk to the other nurses and staff and develop more of a camaraderie with them than you do on the day shift.  I think night shift nurses work better together because of this.  Aside from the perks of working during the night there have been many tough parts for me. 

Most of the hardship I have had to endure has not actually been while I am working but instead on my days off.  If anyone has ever worked the night shift they understand how hard it is on your body to switch from being awake during the day to being awake at night and vice versa.  In fact on most of my days off I just decide to stay on a night schedule where I’m awake at night and asleep during the day.  The problem with this is that it gets awfully lonely at 3 am when no normal person would actually choose to be awake. 

The beginning of my nights aren’t bad and are definitely the best part of my day (or shall I say night).  I try to take advantage of the sunlight and get outside while there is still some light shining.  Sometimes I’ll go out with some friends for drinks or go salsa dancing until 11 or 12.  The good thing is that instead of the feeling like I’m dragging and trying to keep my eyes open at 11 pm because I’ve been up all day I feel great.  I mean why wouldn’t I?  At this point I’ve only been awake for 6 or so hours.  I’ll usually try to do some laundry, write emails, go grocery shopping, and take care of other things until around 2 or 3 am.  At this point I usually get pretty bored.  I’ll usually watch a movie or try to find some TV show addicting enough to stream the entire first season in just a few nights.  Lately it’s been Friday Night Lights. 

However, after a few weeks of this I started feeling like this was getting harder and harder to do.  The characters of Friday Night Lights and the twitter posts of those people down under in Australia can only keep you company for so long until you start to feel lonely.  But the great thing about loneliness is that it is a great way to connect with God.  This may sound crazy or even masochistic.  Why would anyone want to be lonely?  I’m not saying that you should desire to be lonely for the sake of being lonely but instead I’m saying you should desire to be with God.  In those moments when I get lonely I am that much more aware of how much I need God in my life.  It has not been easy for me to accept this and many times I know I should pray when I feel lonely but instead decide to watch another episode of Friday Night Lights.  But in the end some TV show is not going to fill me up inside or bring me eternal life.  Only God can do that and what better way is there to get to know God than when you need him the most.     

There is a great video online of Bishop Fulton Sheen giving a talk on loneliness.  In his talk he questions our societies claim that loneliness is not natural.  He then talks about one man who experienced as much loneliness as anyone ever has.  This man was Jesus.  His own people turned on him.  They not only turned on him but they crucified him.  How lonely do you think he felt?  It can be comforting to know that God has experienced the feeling of loneliness as much as anyone of us has.

Lately I have been praying that I will want to turn towards God when I feel lonely.  Yes, it’s much easier to occupy myself with some other form of entertainment but when I do turn towards God I always feel much more fulfilled and a deeper sense of peace and that alone is worth striving for.       

It's the little things that matter

Have you ever been told something and you knew it was true but you didn’t want to believe it?  We usually don’t want to believe these things because they change the way we think about the world.  And we don’t usually like to change the way we think about the world.  We hold on to our beliefs with firm conviction until something earth shattering comes along and rocks those beliefs from their foundation. 

Not too long ago I had the privilege of attending a retreat for young adult Catholics (think 20-30 somethings).  It was held in early spring at a ski resort in the scenic mountainous region of Virginia.  The weather was beautiful and the leaves were just starting to blossom.  It was the offseason so we were practically the only ones there.  It was a perfect time and location to connect with God. 

The first morning of the retreat we all had the blessing of listening to a young, newly ordained priest give a talk.  This guy had it all.  He was on fire for God and you could tell he was excited to get out and preach to us.  I can’t exactly remember what the talk was on but I vividly remember the first question that came out of his mouth.  He asked, “What is the biggest tragedy that could happen in your life?”  Everyone just kind of gazed back at him with this puzzling look on their face.  I myself was stumped.  I wasn’t expecting this one.  I remember the first few thoughts that popped into my mind, thoughts such as the loss of a child or of another loved one.  Being abused as a child or the taking of one's own or another one's life were probably some other thoughts that popped into my head.  No one said anything, but instead we all just looked back at him with this dumbfounded look on our faces.  “The biggest tragedy of this life is to not become a saint”, was what he responded. 

I immediately thought, “Is this guy for real?”  I thought about it a little more.  The more I thought about it the more it made sense.  This was blowing my mind.  My whole worldview was just turned upside down.  Now this did not rattle me so as much as to change all of my future actions right there and then.  I did not start engaging in extraordinary saintly activities like befriending my enemies, referring to how St. John Paul II befriended the man who attempted to assassinate him.  I did no hop on a plane to the Middle East and beg the political leaders to end the bloodshed such as St. Francis traveled to Egypt to convince the sultan to end the crusades. 

However, saintly ways of living are not just those that change the world as a whole but they are the small things that impact the people around us: forgiving someone who has wronged you, being patient with your server when they mix up your meal at your favorite restaurant, or maybe sacrificing that extra dollar or two or five or whatever is hard for you to put in the collection bucket at church.  It is these little things that lead to sainthood.  Mother Theresa put it best when she said, “Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.”

The Power of Prayer

   

            For lent this year I decided to commit fifteen minutes out of every day to praying.  This may not seem like much but for me it was not easy.  The first time I was taught to pray I think I was too young to understand the true meaning behind it.  But at the same time having the innocence and naiveté of a child was a blessing when it came to learning how to pray.  As a young child I was taught that prayer is how we talk to God.  Someone once said to me, “If you are ever scared then pray to God and ask him to protect you.”  

The first time I remember praying because I was scared I was nine years old and my family had just moved to Tulsa, OK.  Now, in Oklahoma they have these storms called tornados.  My only recollection of a tornado had been the one that swept up Dorothy’s house in The Wizard of Oz.  One day in the middle of the afternoon my Mom, brother, and I were at home.  I remember it being a beautiful sunny day when suddenly the sky turned as black as night and the tornado sirens started to blare.  We had no idea what these sirens were until we turned on the TV and the local weatherman was telling people to seek shelter.  We ran into a bathroom in the center of the house and huddled around a radio listening to the weather updates.  I remember my younger brother started to cry.  My mom grabbed both or our hands and said “lets pray”.  We prayed the “Our Father” maybe half a dozen times.  We asked God to protect us.  That is my first memory of truly relying on God.

Of course as a child I believed in the power of prayer quite literally.  As I grew older and experienced more of life’s tragedies and cruelness I became more and more jaded towards the concept of prayer.  I would often find myself wondering, “Is God really listening and does God really care about my trivial problems or even my big problems?  If he does then why doesn’t he do anything about it when I ask?” 

            As I got even older and I went away to college I found myself praying less and less.  I thought to myself, “I’m doing just fine without prayer so why should I even bother?”  Little did I understand the true meaning of prayer.  If you are in a relationship that begins to fall apart what is one of the first things that usually happens?  The time that you spend talking usually starts to dwindle.  You may not be completely honest with that person.  In fact that may be why the relationship begins to crumble.  You may not trust this person like you once did.  You may have other things in your life that are taking precedence over your relationship.  What would you do if you wanted to fix your relationship?  You might sit down with that person and tell them how you feel and try to be honest with them.  The same is true for your relationship with God.

            If you aren’t talking to God then how would you expect your relationship with him to look?  The difference between God and most of the people in our life is that God is always there for us.  He is always listening to you and he will always love you no matter what you tell him.  You might ask, “If God already knows everything about us then why do I need to bother talking to him.”  It is more for your own benefit rather than God’s benefit.  By praying you are strengthening your relationship with him.  Are you thinking, “I would pray more but I don’t know how to pray or what to pray for or whom to pray for?”  I often think back to my rhetoric classes in college when I had trouble with knowing what to write about.  Professor Robbins would always say “just write the first thing that comes to mind”.  If you don’t know what to pray about then just start talking.  Have a conversation with God.  I promise he’ll listen.

I like to refer to prayer as an art form.  The saints were not born great at praying but became great because they prayed a lot.  And I mean A LOT.  So the next time you’re feeling scared, lonely, restless, or even if you’re just bored, instead of tuning into Facebook, turning to Twitter, or flipping on the TV, try praying.  Even if it’s just for a minute.  You might be surprised at what happens.  

Finding yourself

          My Grandmother and I don’t always agree on things.   Alright I’ll be honest, most of the time we don’t agree on things.  While I was at my Grandmother’s house for the holidays we were watching an old episode of the Cosby show.  Mr. Huxtable was giving Denise’s boyfriend a hard time because he said he wanted to “find himself” before he went off to college.  My Grandmother had to laugh because she never understood the concept of “finding yourself” as many people in my generation refer to it as.  She grew up in a time where people came back from war, got married, had kids, and worked the same job until they retired.  Times have changed quite a bit from the “greatest generation” to my generation, the millennials.  I often find it difficult to relate to the ways in which my Grandmother grew up but I don’t think that finding yourself is necessarily a generational thing. 

            Now this depends on the definition of “finding yourself”.  Finding yourself is more than just working at Starbucks for a year after you finish college while you decide what to do next.  It doesn’t mean you have to travel to Europe for a month long backpacking trip and experience different cultures.  In fact I would argue that you could even live the same lifestyle of those who grew up in my Grandparent’s generation and still find yourself.  I recently read a book called Rediscover Catholicism by Matthew Kelly.  In this book Kelly talks about becoming the best version of yourself.  It is this best version of ourselves who we should all be striving to become. 

            God created us all uniquely and as individuals.  Everyone on this planet is created differently than another.  We all have talents and weaknesses.  We all have the ability to achieve greatness in God’s eyes.  However, God also gave us free will which means we have the ability to ignore what God has given us.  We can turn our backs on God as we please and we often do.  But it is when we truly embrace the talents and live according to God’s will that we become the best version of ourselves.  This is what the saints did.  Kelly reminds us that the saints were not born as saints but somewhere along the way they decided to dedicate their lives to God in everything they did.  So I would argue that finding yourself doesn’t need to involve traveling halfway around the world, living in hostels, and learning a new language but instead just involves choosing to let God into your life and allowing yourself to embrace his will.  

My Story of Faith

My journey of faith has been one of ups and downs.  My journey is by no means finished and in some respects I believe it is just beginning.  I was raised Catholic.  My parents made me attend mass with them every Sunday and then in high school I went through the confirmation process along with all my peers who were raised Catholic.  I never questioned whether or not I wanted to be confirmed Catholic but instead I just went along with it because it was just “the next step” in the process of growing up.  Then I went off to college and like many other Catholics of my generation I stopped attending mass.  I stopped praying regularly and I stopped being faithful to the church.  It didn’t help that this was the same time that the Church sex scandal was just being uncovered.  The pastor at the church I attended while in high school was being accused of sexual abuse.  I thought to myself, “How could a leader in the church be so hypocritical?”  

              This attitude towards the church and my overall indifference in my beliefs continued for a few years after college.  I would only attend Mass on Christmas and Easter and occasionally with a girl who I was dating at the time.  Then I went through a hard time in my life.  I went through a roller coaster of changes in my life.  I quit my job and decided I wanted to change careers.  I developed a medical condition, which made me depressed.  However, it took a while before I was diagnosed with this condition and I had no idea it was causing me to be depressed.  I searched high and low for everything I could be doing in my life to make myself feel so sad.  I turned to God more than ever in this time.  It was almost as if this was my last resort when it should have been my first.  It is in this time of desperation that I experienced God in my life more than I had ever before. 

            I hope to be able to reach out to other young adults who have either been away from the church for a while or have never experienced faith in their lives and let them know it is never too late to come back or to discover faith for the first time.  God does not love those who don’t attend church any less then he loves those who come to church every week.  The point of attending church is not so God can love us more but instead so we can love God more.